I am a little nervous about sharing my experiences with an eating disorder here. I am just going to scratch the surface today, because I'm not sure where this discussion will lead.
The majority of my struggle was back in high school, and I know that my case was not as severe as some. For some time, on the surface, it probably didn't seem like I had an eating disorder. It started somewhat inadvertently, after being depressed over my first real break up. I was a little over weight anyway (though not much), so when my friends started noticing me lose a little bit of weight, I thought, "hey, this is cool!" and just kept eating less and less. I used to take my food to my room and throw most of it away. I over exercised and exercised more if I got hungry. Because I got so much attention, I began to believe that I had to stay skinny for people to like me at all, and I hated them for making me feel like I needed to be thin. It is interesting because later on I learned that those people had no idea I felt that way. But it is also sad to me in a way, to think I was mainly surrounded by "christians", and still received more attention the more attractive I was. Maybe that is another post...
The thing that I do not think most people understand about an eating disorder is the mental side of it. At least in my case, it was not very obvious that I was starving myself, nor was I so extremely skinny that I needed to be admitted to a hospital or anything. I think it is a combination of malnutrition and allowing thoughts of weight and food to so control my life that my issues were mostly mental. I hated everyone and everything, I was absolutely depressed and miserable, and could not stop craving this disease that I had created.
I would hesitate to say that someone never quite gets over an eating disorder, because that is sort of like saying someone is always an alcoholic if they have ever been addicted to it once in their life. But I would definitely say the repercussions of those actions and addictions often stick with a person and can be awoken easily at times of weakness. For those who have recovered and experienced Christ's healing in their lives, I think it is good to be aware of those weaknesses and flee any temptation of falling into it again, but we also need to not be so aware that we forget the work of Christ in our lives and hold on to how He has changed us.
It wasn't people repeatedly telling me to get over it or that I am beautiful that helped me recover. I don't think we can truly help someone until we are willing to share in their suffering and realize how real their feelings are to them there in that moment. A person's reality is real to them no matter what is true. We can tell someone the truth all we like, but until it awakens inside of them, it will never become real. I am fortunate, I think, because I 'recovered' from my eating disorder somewhat quickly. I had to realize for myself what I was really doing to my body, and when I finally had the courage to share it with my brother he cried with me through it. I would proceed to struggle with thoughts and occasionally relapse for the next several years, but the hardest part of my struggle ended that night on my brother's bedroom floor.
It was love that helped me heal.
Have you or do you know anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder?
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